Ever watched a horror film and found yourself shouting at the screen, “DON’T GO IN THERE!”? or “GO OUTSIDE, NOT UP THE STAIRS!”
If you’ve spent any amount of time watching horror movies, you’ll know that surviving isn’t necessarily about being the fastest, strongest or bravest person in the group. More often than not, it’s about having a tiny bit of common sense.
So, if you ever find yourself being stalked and chased by a masked killer or invited to spend the weekend somewhere that looks suspiciously like the setting of a horror movie, remember these ten essential rules.
- Never say, “I’ll be right back.”
You won’t.
The moment you announce that you’re going upstairs, going to get more drinks or checking something outside, you’re practically dead already.
- Do NOT investigate strange noises.
What was that noise? It could be the wind, a cat or the house creaking. It is most likely a masked psychopath hiding behind the door. There is absolutely no reason for you to find out which one it is. Just lock the door, stay where you are and let somebody else deal with it.
- Never split up.
This is possibly the most frequently ignored rule in horror history.
“We’ll cover more ground if we split up.”
No. You won’t. You’ll just give the killer several smaller groups of victims to choose from. Stay together!
- If the car won’t start, STOP TRYING.
You have approximately three seconds to attempt to start the car before you abandon it. If you’ve been desperately turning the ignition for thirty seconds while the killer slowly approaches, congratulations: you’ve made the worst possible decision!
- Never hide somewhere with only one exit.
Under the bed? terrible idea. Inside a wardrobe is also questionable or a tiny bathroom with a window too small to climb through? Absolutely not.
If you’re going to hide, make sure you have somewhere to escape to, this includes running up the stairs instead of running out the front door. Otherwise you’re not hiding, you are just putting yourself somewhere the killer can eventually find you.
- Don’t go back for the person who fell.
This one is brutal, but we’re talking about horror movie survival. Your friend trips or gets injured while everyone is running away from a knife-wielding maniac.
Do not stop. Do not turn around. Do not say, “I’ll help you!”
- If the killer appears to be dead, make sure.
You’ve finally managed to knock them unconscious. Maybe you’ve stabbed them, shot them, dropped something heavy on them or set the entire building on fire. Just don’t stand there staring at them, you need to check and then check again!
If there’s one thing horror movies have taught us, it’s that the killer always come back for one last scare (or 2 or 3 if you are really unlucky).
- Don’t be curious about the creepy myths, rumours and local legends.
“We should probably find out what happened here.” No, you shouldn’t.
If the locals refuse to talk about the abandoned house, the lake, the old cemetery or the mysterious person who disappeared 30 years ago, respect their privacy. You do not need to research it, you do not need to visit the location and you definitely don’t need to perform a ritual you found in an old, dusty book.
- Don’t assume the danger is over.
The killer has disappeared, the police have arrived and it looks like you survived the night. Someone says, “It’s finally over.” This is the exact moment when you should be most suspicious.
Stay alert, keep your weapon nearby, don’t wander off alone. Absolutely do not start your car without looking in the back seat first or stand in front of a conveniently placed window. It isn’t over!
- Be prepared to leave.
If everything about a situation is screaming GET OUT!, listen to it. Your friends want to stay in the creepy cabin?, the babysitting job has suddenly become terrifying and someone keeps calling the house and breathing heavily down the phone? Just leave, don’t hang about.
The Golden Rule
Ultimately, there’s one rule that beats all the others:
If you find yourself in a situation that looks and feels exactly like the beginning of a slasher movie, don’t stick around long enough to find out how it ends. Get in your car, drive somewhere populated, change your name and never look back.
Surviving a horror movie isn’t about being the final girl or the toughest character. It’s about having enough common sense to survive it.
Written by Siân Alison
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