“Why are you so shy?” or “Why are you so quiet?”

It’s a question many people with social anxiety have heard countless times. If someone didn’t know any better then social anxiety can look a lot like shyness. Someone might avoid eye contact, stay quiet in groups, struggle to start conversations or feel uncomfortable being the centre of attention.

Social anxiety is much more than simply being a quiet or shy person.

Shyness is usually a personality trait. You might feel a little nervous meeting new people, but once you get comfortable, that nervousness often fades. Social anxiety, on the other hand, can feel like your brain is constantly scanning social situations for everything that could possibly go wrong.

What if I say something stupid?

What if everyone notices how nervous I am?

What if they think I’m boring and don’t like me?

What if I embarrass myself?

For someone with diagnosed social anxiety, even ordinary situations can become exhausting. Making a phone call, speaking to a colleague, eating in front of other people, attending a party or walking into a room full of strangers or a meeting can trigger an intense physical and emotional reaction.

It isn’t simply a case of not wanting to socialise.

There can be a genuine desire to join in, make friends, go to events and have conversations while simultaneously feeling as though your anxiety is putting up a wall between you and everyone else.

The physical symptoms can be very real. A racing heart, sweating, trembling, nausea, blushing, dizziness and a feeling of being intensely self-conscious can make a seemingly simple interaction feel like a major challenge.

One of the hardest parts is the aftermath and overthinking. Someone with social anxiety might replay a conversation for hours afterwards, analysing every word they said and wondering whether they sounded strange or embarrassed themselves. A perfectly normal interaction can become an imaginary courtroom where the anxious brain is both prosecutor and judge.

This is why telling someone with social anxiety to “just be more confident” isn’t particularly helpful.

They aren’t necessarily lacking confidence. They may simply be dealing with an overwhelming fear of being judged, rejected or embarrassed.

Social anxiety doesn’t always look the way people expect. Someone can be funny, articulate, outgoing with close friends and perfectly capable at work while still experiencing intense anxiety in unfamiliar social situations. You can love people and still find socialising difficult and you can want to go out and still dread going.

Many people with social anxiety have plenty to say and still struggle to say it or join in conversations. By the time they feel courageous enough to add to the conversation, the topic has already switched to something else.

Most importantly, social anxiety isn’t a character flaw. It isn’t rudeness, aloofness or a lack of interest in other people. Often, the person who appears quiet or distant is actually thinking far too much about how to get the interaction right.

So perhaps instead of asking, “Why are you so quiet and shy?” we should ask a different question:

“What would make this situation feel easier for you?”

Sometimes, a little understanding from others can make a social situation feel much less frightening.

Written by Siân Alison